You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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