sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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