You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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