But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
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i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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