I think I died a long time ago.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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