We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
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im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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