New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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