Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
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I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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