It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
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12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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