why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
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Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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