Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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