I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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