as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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