he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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