my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
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Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
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Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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