You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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