Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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