everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize