New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
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Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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