If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
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I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
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You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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