and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
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I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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