I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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