I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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