$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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