How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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