I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
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He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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