so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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