I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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