im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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