He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
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sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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