the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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