In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
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lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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