i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize