Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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