i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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