Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
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someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
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The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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