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There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
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