Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize