Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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