Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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