He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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