we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
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Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm too high and old for this...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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