Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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