So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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