I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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