my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
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I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
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Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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