im drinking this country out of the recession.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
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Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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