If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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