I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
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I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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