the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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